American author (1842-1914)
COWARD, n. One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
AMBROSE BIERCE
The Devil's Dictionary
FRIENDSHIP, n. A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul.
AMBROSE BIERCE
The Devil's Dictionary
BACKBITE, v.t. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you.
AMBROSE BIERCE
The Devil's Dictionary
APOLOGIZE, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offense.
AMBROSE BIERCE
The Devil's Dictionary
MERCY, n. An attribute beloved of detected offenders.
AMBROSE BIERCE
The Devil's Dictionary
Slang is the speech of him who robs the literary garbage carts on their way to the dumps.
AMBROSE BIERCE
"Epigrams of a Cynic"
Peace, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.
AMBROSE BIERCE
The Devil's Dictionary
The only distinction that democracies reward is a high degree of conformity.
AMBROSE BIERCE
"Epigrams of a Cynic"
He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity. A fool is a natural proselyte, but he must be caught young, for his convictions, unlike those of the wise, harden with age.
AMBROSE BIERCE
"Epigrams of a Cynic"
AMBIDEXTROUS, adj. Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
AMBROSE BIERCE
The Devil's Dictionary
If every hypocrite in the United States were to break his leg to-day the country could be successfully invaded to-morrow by the warlike hypocrites of Canada.
AMBROSE BIERCE
"Epigrams of a Cynic"
Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of thought, speech, and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves.
AMBROSE BIERCE
The Devil's Dictionary
Imagination, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership.
AMBROSE BIERCE
The Devil's Dictionary
A rabbit's foot may bring good luck to you, but it brought none to the rabbit.
AMBROSE BIERCE
"Epigrams of a Cynic"
When among the graves of thy fellows, walk with circumspection; thine own is open at thy feet.
AMBROSE BIERCE
"Epigrams of a Cynic"
The question of human immortality is the most momentous that the mind is capable of conceiving. If it is a fact that the dead live all other facts are in comparison trivial and without interest. The prospect of obtaining certain knowledge with regard to this stupendous matter is not encouraging. In all countries but those in barbarism the powers of the profoundest and most penetrating intelligences have been ceaselessly addressed to the task of glimpsing a life beyond this life; yet today no one can truly say that he knows. It is as much a matter of faith as ever it was.
AMBROSE BIERCE
A Cynic Looks at Life
MYTHOLOGY, n. The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later.
AMBROSE BIERCE
The Devil's Dictionary
What a woman most admires in a man is distinction among men. What a man most admires in a woman is devotion to himself.
AMBROSE BIERCE
"Epigrams of a Cynic"
Fear has no brains; it is an idiot.
AMBROSE BIERCE
"The Moonlit Road"
PREJUDICE, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
AMBROSE BIERCE
The Devil's Dictionary