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Pseudoscience describes theories that sound like science but are actually just made up, like aromatherapy or biorhythms or love.
CRAIG FERGUSON, The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, Oct. 4, 2011
I don't know why some people get worked up about gay people marrying. It's not gay people who are "ruining the sanctity of marriage," it's celebrities.
CRAIG FERGUSON, The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, Nov. 1, 2011
In the 1970s vampires were pretty boring. The scariest vampire was Count Chocula. One bite of Count Chocula and you were cursed with Type 2 diabetes.
CRAIG FERGUSON, The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, Mar. 19, 2012
It's tricky turning a book into a movie. Sometimes people love the book so much that no adaptation lives up to what they imagined. You can avoid that disappointment by never, ever reading books.
CRAIG FERGUSON, The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, Mar. 21, 2012
I'm so excited about the new iPad, I just iPeed my iPants.
CRAIG FERGUSON, The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, Mar. 7, 2012
Apple released the upgraded version of the iPhone 4, called the iPhone 4S. I think the "S" stands for "suckers."
CRAIG FERGUSON, The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, Oct. 4, 2011
Santa blows all these shipping companies away. He delivers more than 2 billion packages in just 24 hours. He does it by sleigh. He doesn’t use tracking numbers and doesn’t use trucks. He just uses midgets and a giant bag.
CRAIG FERGUSON, The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, Dec. 12, 2011
These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets.
CRAIG FERGUSON, The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, May 8, 2012
The queen banishes Snow White because of her beauty. But the dwarves help Snow White because they're smitten by that very beauty. It teaches kids an important lesson: Nothing matters except for your looks.
CRAIG FERGUSON, The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, Jun. 1, 2012
Some people take the spelling bee very seriously. These people are called "parents of children in the spelling bee." They're trying to make up for their own childhood of crushed dreams and misspelled words.
CRAIG FERGUSON, The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, May 30, 2012
I grew up in Scotland in the 1970s. There was not much money. The most popular Christmas toy was probably a potato.
CRAIG FERGUSON, The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, Dec. 20, 2011
There is a new survey out about the happiest professions. I think the whole premise is flawed. You're supposed to find true happiness outside of work. From friends, family, and YouTube videos of old people falling down.
CRAIG FERGUSON, The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, Mar. 1, 2012
The 3-D effects in “Star Wars” are so realistic, you can actually see George Lucas reaching from the screen and taking the money from your wallet.
CRAIG FERGUSON, The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, Feb. 10, 2012
An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids.
CRAIG FERGUSON, The Late Late Show with Craid Ferguson, Nov. 4, 2011
I used to love going fishing. I think it was really about the clothes. Nothing says real man like a vest with 38 pockets and a mesh hat with hooks in it.
CRAIG FERGUSON, The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, Apr. 9, 2012
The whole idea of re-releasing old movies does bother me a little bit. If they're going to re-release an old movie, I should be able to get in with my old ticket.
CRAIG FERGUSON, The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, Apr. 6, 2012
Alcohol ruined me financially and morally, broke my heart and the hearts of too many others. Even though it did this to me and it almost killed me and I haven't touched a drop of it in seventeen years, sometimes I wonder if I could get away with drinking some now. I totally subscribe to the notion that alcoholism is a mental illness because thinking like that is clearly insane.
CRAIG FERGUSON, American on Purpose: The Improbable Adventures of an Unlikely Patriot
I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.
CRAIG FERGUSON, American on Purpose: The Improbable Adventures of an Unlikely Patriot
Former president Bill Clinton was elected on this very day in 1992. Clinton went on to leave quite a mark in the oval office… You mean the one on the sofa?
CRAIG FERGUSON, The Late Late Show with Craid Ferguson, Nov. 3, 2011
I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.
CRAIG FERGUSON, The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
We prepare for glory by failing until we don't.
CRAIG FERGUSON, American on Purpose: The Improbable Adventures of an Unlikely Patriot
I do love America. And LA is a very short commute to America. Its like half an hour on the plane.
CRAIG FERGUSON, The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
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