quotations to make you laugh
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
ANONYMOUS
The Rotarian, July 1997
My mother was the worst cook ever; in school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing.
RITA RUDNER
stand-up routine
At every party there are two kinds of people -- those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
ANN LANDERS
International Herald Tribune, June 19, 1991
You can never lose a homing pigeon -- if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.
ANONYMOUS
In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD
It's Not Easy Bein' Me
Between two evils, I always like to take the one I've never tried before.
MAE WEST
Klondike Annie
Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework.
BILL COSBY
The Joplin Globe, Apr. 7, 2007
Any other town you go to there's this little devil and a little angel on your shoulder. A little good advice, a little bad advice.You go to Las Vegas, there's like a devil and a devil and they're just battling it out the whole time. It's like, "Smoke some crack!" "Get a hooker!" And then I go, "YEA! Yea, this is a good town. Smoke some crack and get a hooker! Alright!"
BILLY BURR
stand-up routine
A peacock escaped from the Central Park Zoo and wandered around the city. Either that or I just saw a pigeon on his way to a gay pride parade.
JIMMY FALLON
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Aug. 3, 2011
Apple is apparently building a large solar energy farm in North Carolina. And if there’s any justice, the minute they’re done building it, God will introduce a newer, smaller sun that’s not compatible with their machinery.
JIMMY FALLON
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Nov. 1, 2011
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
PHYLLIS DILLER
"Phyllis Diller's Best One-Liners,", CBS News, Aug. 21, 2012
My hair is always at its best in New York. I don't know what's in the water. It could be mousse.
ELLEN DEGENERES
TV Guide, Nov. 21-27, 2005
I've been on a diet for two weeks, and all I've lost is 14 days.
TOTIE FIELDS
Woman's Day, Aug. 2011
Steven Spielberg is going to release a biopic about Abraham Lincoln next year. Right, that's a good way to honor Lincoln – by sending people to the theater.
JIMMY FALLON
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Sep. 21, 2011
I'm addicted to placebos. I'd give them up, but it wouldn't make any difference.
STEVEN WRIGHT
attributed, The Mammoth Book of One-Liners
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
BILLY CONNOLLY
Billy Connolly Live 1994
I was born at home on newspapers ... I still have a story on my butt, although now the print is much larger.
PHYLLIS DILLER
Like a Lampshade in a Whorehouse
Can a woodchuck chuck wood? Because the question is, "how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if," so you haven't established or proved without any shadow of a doubt that a woodchuck could chuck wood. Frankly, I believe that they chew wood. I don't think they can chuck wood at all! I take offense to the whole chucking question.
TIM ALLEN
Laugh Factory Magazine, 1994
Don't blame yourself. The apocalypse wasn't your fault. Actually, it was just as much your fault as it was anyone else's. Come to think of it, if you're an American, it was probably about 80-90 percent more your fault than the average human. But don't let that get you down. It wasn't exclusively your fault. Unless you're the president. Then it might be your fault. But you'll have plenty of interns to tell you that it wasn't, so you'll be fine.
MEGHANN MARCO
Field Guide to the Apocalypse
According to the latest poll, a record 73 percent of Americans think the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news: Gas is so expensive that we’ll never get there.
JAY LENO
The Tonight Show, Sep. 6, 2011