I'd be more willing to accept religion, even if I didn't believe it, if I thought it made people nicer to each other but I don't think it does.

Death is a distant rumor to the young.

I don't know anything offhand that mystifies Americans more than the cotton they put in pill bottles. Why do they do it? Are you supposed to put the cotton back in once you've taken a pill out?

We need people who can actually do things. We have too many bosses and too few workers. More college graduates ought to become plumbers or electricians, then go home at night and read Shakespeare.

You really can't blame the military for wanting to go to war. They've got all these new toys and they want to know whether they work or not.

ANDY ROONEY, attributed, The Snark Handbook: Politics and Government Edition

We all ought to understand we're on our own. Believing in Santa Claus doesn't do kids any harm for a few years but it isn't smart for them to continue waiting all their lives for him to come down the chimney with something wonderful. Santa Claus and God are cousins.

ANDY ROONEY, Sincerely, Andy Rooney

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.